What To Say To Someone Who Has Breast Cancer – Many of the comments directed at people going through cancer are well-intentioned, but not accurate. Courtesy of Adina Perullo; Canva
Talking to a loved one who is struggling with a serious illness is never easy. You may struggle to find something – anything – to say to let the person know you are there for them and that you are sorry this is happening.
What To Say To Someone Who Has Breast Cancer
You want them to feel better, you want to give them the whole world. Instead, many people often unknowingly say something hurtful.
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I can say this with some authority because in 2020, when I was 37, my cancer diagnosis was upgraded to stage 4 metastatic breast cancer (MBC). This means that the cancer is advanced and has spread to other organs.
As a member of the club that no one wants to join, I’m here to share a few things you should never, ever say to an MBC person, as well as some basic phrases that can make a huge difference to someone like me.
Remember to show up in good times and bad. No matter how hard it may be for you to face it, it’s always harder for [people with MBC] and we need you.
When sports reporter Holly Rowe was diagnosed with stage three desmoplastic melanoma, she learned that it was often “too much” for loved ones and they didn’t know how to offer support.
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Unfortunately, never. A person diagnosed with MBC will live as long as treatments are available to stabilize the specific subtype of cancer. Are there cases where people with MBC go untreated? Yes, but these are very specific situations and treatment will usually be resumed at a later date if there are any medications left that have not yet been taken.
I know that when you think of someone with cancer, you probably think of bald heads and frail bodies. So a person with stage 4 cancer would probably look like the sickest person you’ve ever met, right? Not necessarily. Treating MBC is very different from treating early-stage cancer. The goal of treating early-stage cancer is cure. However, there is no cure for MBC, so the goal is to keep the patient alive as long as possible and ensure the best quality of life. It’s more of a marathon than a sprint, so treatments are often less toxic and patients can look incredibly healthy (and even have beautiful hair).
It’s very kind of you to share the information you’ve learned with those of us who work at MBC. We know that the thought of us dying from this disease scares you so much that you just want to tell us everything you may have read about. But trust me, if there was something that could cure us, we would know about it. And if we didn’t, our very competent cancer care team would.
Whether you think sugar causes cancer (it doesn’t), or that we’re not strong enough to play sports with our kids, or anything else you might see in someone with MBC, remember that we’ve had extensive talking to our oncologist about our limitations and knowing what is best for us. Do we sometimes do things that are not good for us, such as eating an entire serving of ice cream in one evening? Yes, that’s what makes us human! Besides, when you know your life could be significantly shortened, sometimes you just have to go for it, even if you might end up paying for it tomorrow. Life is for living, so join us or leave.
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Yes, it has been scientifically proven that a positive attitude has an impact on how someone copes with illness. I happen to be a very positive person and I can attest that the days when I feel like I will live long enough to meet my grandchildren are much better than the days when I plan my own funeral. However, it has been scientifically proven that a positive attitude does not increase the overall survival of people suffering from an incurable disease. Positivity will make us happier in life, but it will not cure what we are dealing with.
It is also difficult to maintain a positive attitude all the time in the face of an incurable disease. Plus, life is hard, even if you’re dealing with cancer, drug side effects, and “nervousness.” We think about our impending doom all the time, and as much as we try to think positively, sometimes it’s impossible, and telling me to do it really doesn’t help.
Yes, we are strong – we must walk this path every day. But no, we won’t beat this. Unless something else takes our life first or a miracle of cure occurs, this disease will be our final demise. It’s sad, but it’s the truth. Please don’t make us explain this fact to you. It just reminds us that we won’t get through this – and that really, really hurts.
Trust me, if we could do anything to avoid the cancer coming back, we would do it. Cancer metastasizes when even a single, microscopic cancer cell moves from the original cancer site to another location in the body. I was given the most aggressive treatment for early stage cancer because I was willing to go through hell and back to be able to live the rest of my life cancer free, and even that couldn’t prevent the cancer from returning in my liver 18 months later. Cancer coming back is not our fault and we should never be made to feel this way.
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No, we won’t do that. But you know what? That’s okay. Because this new version of ourselves – this raw, scared, unafraid-to-tell-it-like-it-is, living life in the here and now, because we know that’s all it promises us, literally not caring at all about the little things, the person we we have become – is so much better than who we were before. You may not be used to us, we may not be as funny and nice as before, but that’s because we don’t take a single second for granted anymore. And we are proud of this new person we have become, even though we are just getting to know ourselves.
What should you say to someone with MBC1 instead? “I don’t know what to say to make you feel better, but I’m here and I always will be.”
If you are going to say this, make sure you understand the statement correctly. Remember to show up in good times and bad. No matter how difficult it may be for you to face it, it is always harder for us and we need you.
We hate it too and it’s nice to know you feel the same. Sometimes we don’t know what to say or do, but knowing that you’re just as pissed off as we are is somehow comforting.
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By asking, “How can I help?” once again puts the burden on us to find ways in which you can support us when it’s already incredibly sad that we need this support at all. If you think sending us lunch would help (and believe me it does), just do it. If you don’t know what our family eats, gift cards to local restaurants are amazing! It doesn’t always have to be about food. If you can think of other specific ways you can help us – such as offering cleaning services, taking children to after-school activities, shopping for groceries or walking dogs – please be specific and thank you.
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