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Depression can range from great sadness (“This is how I feel!”) to intense feelings of despair (“This is how I am!”). As relatives and carers of a person suffering from depression, we often feel helpless when we see our loved one suffering and ask, ‘How can I help?’
When Someone You Love Has Depression
This booklet helps us identify and understand depression and understand the illness that has a debilitating effect on someone we love.
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Jim Winter has been in pastoral ministry for over thirty years and now has a traveling ministry preaching and lecturing in the UK and South East Asia. He is the author of Depression: A Rescue Plan and other books published by Day One.
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Christy Ann Martine — A Poem About Loving Someone With Depression
Payment can be made via PayPal or Shopify – you can’t see your card details and they aren’t stored on any of our computers, it’s Valentine’s Day readers! Here at Rockwall Counseling and Wellness, we LOVE to celebrate love. Anytime of the year is a good time to tell the ones you love how you feel, but there’s something special about Valentine’s Day. Maybe you and your wife have a special date planned in romantic Bin 303 or a date with friends in Standard Service. Maybe you have a tradition of making heart-shaped pancakes for your kids or sending flowers to mom on Valentine’s Day. However you choose to celebrate today, it’s so important to show that you care about the people in your life who mean the most to you. Big or small celebrations will never go unnoticed!
However, we also realize that many of you may love and care for someone who is struggling today. Holidays and special occasions can be especially difficult for those grieving a loss, those with anxiety and depression, or even those going through a difficult transition. So how can you support those you love who are struggling today? How can you be supportive, loving and caring while celebrating your love for the special people in your life?
Be a good listener. The first and best way you can support someone you love who is struggling mentally is to listen non-judgmentally, without giving your input (unless they ask for it) and being willing to be present in silence. If your partner is struggling with anxious thoughts, try sitting down with them and letting them process these thoughts out loud, as this can be a huge help in not dwelling on the anxiety. Perhaps your teenager has struggled with difficult friendships at school; the support you provide by listening to what they have to say can give them the safety and security that only you as their parent can provide. Maintaining open communication is vital to any relationship, and it’s especially important when the person you’re caring for is working on their mental health.
Be flexible in your plans. Those struggling with anxiety, grief, or depression often don’t have the physical energy to get out of the house. Facing mental health battles is also physically demanding, and while they may have agreed to go out for a fancy dinner earlier in the week, they may not be up for it when the time comes. Be willing to listen to their needs and know that it’s probably nothing you did wrong that caused them to change their mind. It’s perfectly fine to feel disappointed if your partner changes plans at the last minute, but wait until they express that frustration when they’re not in a crisis. Offer an alternative plan, such as a date night at home with food and a movie, or a different day for a night that might be less stressful.
Signs Someone Is Depressed
Be aware of emotional triggers. While the idea of ”triggers” may seem overused by pop culture and fashion media, emotional triggers are very real events for people who have experienced trauma. And while we are all responsible for our individual actions and reactions, part of loving and caring for someone is knowing what can cause them emotional stress and being aware of how different situations can affect them. For example, if you and your wife have experienced pregnancy loss, it can be emotionally triggering for one or both of you to hear about a couple announcing a healthy pregnancy. Talk to those you love when you know they’ve experienced a trigger and ask how you can support them.
Offer physical support even if they don’t ask for it. One of the hardest things for someone to do when they are struggling with their mental health is to ask for help. It can be overwhelming or even embarrassing to admit that we have problems and ask someone for help with things like washing dishes or laundry or help with meals. If you have a friend who you know is working on their mental health, a great way to show that you care is to simply show up. Bring food or coffee. Come unload their dishwasher. Even if they say they don’t need it, by taking a physical task off their plate you allow them to have less to worry about and support their journey.
Find a balance between distraction and engagement. When caring for someone with depression, anxiety or other mental health issues, our first instinct may be to help them by taking their mind off their problems with fun events, activities or outings. This can be incredibly helpful as it often increases the hormones of happiness and allows life to feel normal even in a state of crisis. However, it is equally important not to allow those we love to become so distracted by “fun” that they ignore the problems they should be dealing with. Make sure you have a good mix of fun, lighthearted moments, and moments where you check in with your people emotionally and really hear how they’re doing.
Support their therapeutic journey. One of the biggest obstacles people face when starting therapy for anxiety, depression or grief is that they worry about what those they love might think of them. They don’t want to be seen as weak or incapable. In fact, starting the journey to better mental health is the opposite of that. It shows confidence and strength to face the difficult, messy parts of life. If someone you love has started going to therapy to work on their relationship, anxiety, or any other aspect of their life, be supportive. Tell them you’re proud of them for stepping outside their comfort zone and working to be more emotionally and mentally healthy. If they are willing to talk about what they are learning in their counseling sessions, listen carefully and ask meaningful questions. They will appreciate that you support their journey and want to know more. If they are not seeing a counselor yet, but want to do so, you can always help them find the best match here! Sometimes people don’t know what to say to someone with depression. Those of us with depression usually have family and friends who want to cheer us up; too often, however, we find that even well-meaning people end up saying exactly what we don’t need to hear. When this happens, it can leave both the person who said the words and the person being told feeling very down and possibly even angry or upset. While I wish all people somehow knew what to say to someone with depression, that’s not realistic. Instead, we have to give them suggestions and instructions. I have come up with a few things that I would like to hear as a person with depression.
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First, I would like to hear three simple words: “I love you.” Period. No “but…” after that. No “despite your depression”. I don’t want to hear that my depression makes it hard to love. I feel that way about myself; I definitely don’t need anyone else to make me feel that way. We all deserve to be loved for who we are. Our depression shouldn’t—it doesn’t—change that.
Next, I want to hear that I am strong. I am a warrior. I fight the battle every day. Everyone with depression does. We win every time we get out of bed. When we complete one task, we have shown depression and the rest of the world that we will not give up. We may get knocked down, but we get back up. Our depression does not weaken us. I
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